Ten Years Gone
by alwaysthehours
Summary: I loved him and he left me. When he was gone, I continued loving him. Now that he's back, I don't want to love him. All-Human, ExB.
1. Black Hole

**It has been a long time since I wanted to start a story, but this idea popped into my head and I just had to do it. The name of the story is "Ten Years Gone" because it seemed appropriate and it's one of my favorite songs. **

**Many thanks to Alexia and ****Mental for beta'ing this. They rock. **

**Let's just see how this goes...**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. I wish I did, though.  
**

**-/ CHAPTER 1 - BLACK HOLE /-  
**

She's not going to give up, is she?

I cross my arms tightly against my chest and close my eyes, sighing and enjoying the summer breeze that is becoming colder as the days go by. Alice continues rambling on and on and freaking on, and I shake my head at how predictable she can be about this subject.

First, she asks if I'm okay and, when I nod, she continues to ramble about him and how he screwed up when he left me here. And I let her, because she's my friend and because it doesn't affect me anymore. In fact, she can admire her own brother and tell me she loves his girlfriend. It's still the same.

"Bella, can you please listen when I talk to you?"

I sigh. "I'm sorry. I usually turn off when people start talking about him. Force of habit," I say, shrugging.

She rolls her eyes and huffs. Deep down, she thinks that I don't care anymore. Because, if I did, then it meant Edward and I could be together again. That's not happening, though, as much as she wants it to.

"How can you not care?" she asks, purposely pushing me.

"Because," another huff from Alice, "I've accepted that we're not meant to be. If we were, he would still be here with me. We would still be together."

I realize that I give Alice a lot to think about, and that's okay; she needs to know that nothing's going to change between us now that he's coming back. And what's his deal, anyway?

I ask Alice why he's coming back but she shrugs, looking away.

"You can tell me, Alice. I won't say anything."

She starts playing with her split ends. "I don't know. He says he misses home, but we all think he's here because of you."

My heart starts beating widely in my chest and I close my eyes, sighing. Stupid, betraying heart.

"I'm sure you're all thinking wrong. Doesn't he have a girlfriend, anyway?"

Emmett told me once she was Russian. She had blonde hair, blue eyes and perfect skin. She was also rich, fluent in five languages and really sweet. I laughed during five minutes and then cried myself to sleep that night.

"They broke up," Alice declares lowly, looking me in the eyes. I snort and look away. I can totally see what she's trying to do.

"Stanley will be very happy, then."

"Pfft, as if she has a chance."

"I'm tired of talking about this, Alice. Aren't you?"

Alice looks at me incredulously. "He's my brother. I think it's normal that I talk about him."

"No, it's not. You spent the whole year talking trash about him and whenever someone mentioned him, you turned blue. Now you're all sweet and saying he won a freaking basketball championship." I sigh again. "Tell me what this is about."

"Fine," she says loudly, her voice echoing in the deserted street. "I want you two back together."

And she makes me laugh, because while she's expecting me to squeal and to say that_ yes, I have been pining for him for the last year_ – I can't do that. I'm not that naïve, innocent person anymore.

She should know that.

"Yes, and I want him to fuck off."

"Bella!"

"Oh, please," I scoff, rolling my eyes. "Don't tell me you think I still love him? I feel nothing but hatred for the guy."

If my subconscious had eyes, they would be rolling right now.

She turns her head around frantically, her eyes wide. "You hate him?"

"Duh," I mock her, earning a glare in return. "He was the first person I opened up to after my parents' divorce, and then he left. What am I supposed to feel towards him? Love? I don't even know if I loved him in the first place. I was a kid."

She's not looking at me anymore, and her expression is unreadable. I thought Alice already knew this.

"I don't understand why it comes as a big shock to you," I whisper, sad that I could still hurt her with this situation.

That _we_ could still hurt her with this situation.

She finally snaps out of her trance and mumbles, "Yeah, I know."

"I'm sorry."

"For what?" She is looking at me, but I can't look at her. Instead, I look at the sidewalk.

"For still dragging all of you into this. You shouldn't be forced to deal with all this shit."

She snorts and I smile, shaking my head.

"You really don't have any idea what you're talking about."

I know what she means. I'm not forcing her or any other person to deal with this; they do it because they care. After listening to Alice repeating this over the year, I still don't believe her.

"I think I do."

**-/-**

"Pearl Jam is overrated."

"So is Edward Cullen."

Jacob and I exchange smirks. We know it's not true, and we also know we mentioned things we hate to love and love to hate.

I know Jacob hates Pearl Jam because it was his mother's favorite band, and he spent four or five years listening to it when she was drugged and still alive. I know I hate Edward Cullen because he is and will always be the love of my life.

Not that I believe in that kind of crap. But… you know.

We are sitting in my porch and, as usual, drinking a cheap beer from Charlie's fridge. I know I'll have to go tomorrow to the Thriftway to buy some more so Charlie doesn't notice. I think he always does, though, from the way he looks at me and Jake when he comes home.

Jake is a little quiet today and when I ask if something's wrong, he just shrugs.

"Come on, Jake. Tell me what's going on."

He sighs. "Leah broke up with me. I think."

He has this confused look on his face that tells me he's not sure, and I chuckle. "What did you do?"

He looks at me warily. "It's more what _we_ did."

"Damn," I mumble. "Don't tell me she knows."

I already know the answer before Jacob nods. Of course she knows. It's Forks, after all.

"Did you at least try to deny it?"

"No," he replies, looking away. "I think it's for the best, though."

I shrug. "Love sucks."

"Tell me about it."

When we're already on our fifth beer, I suggest we go for a walk. Of course, I should have known that a walk with Jacob is never _just _a walk. It's a make-out session. A very heated one.

But I don't stop him, because I'm needy and I'm sad, even though I don't admit it. Edward Cullen is coming back tomorrow and I'm alone and depressed because of what he did. I want to feel confident and good and show him I can be better than that girl he knew. So I let Jake kiss me and grope me.

"Let me touch you," he says between kisses. I shake my head and close my eyes, loving the sensations he's creating on my body.

"Come on, Bella. We've been doing this shit for too long."

Okay. Game Over.

I push him away and sit down on the dirty floor, bracing myself against the tree. I'm panting and aching in several parts of my body. Jacob sits down next to me and groans loudly.

"Why can't you put out to me?" It sounds more like whining, though.

I look at him with a weird expression and he laughs. "Fine. Why can't we have sex? All we do is make-out."

My heart returns to its usual rhythm.

I decide to tell him the truth. "Edward ruined me for other guys."

**-/-**

_11:04 PM_

I can't sleep.

…

_11:43 PM_

How does he look? I bet he looks even better than he did. Oh God, please let his hair be just like that. Please.

…

_12:50 AM_

Fuck. My. Life.

…

_01:20 AM_

Maybe I should make some tea. I'm sure Charlie won't hear me.

…

_02:39 AM_

Why can't I fall asleep?

**-/-**

The next morning comes too fast. My alarm-clock is beeping and buzzing, but I make no efforts to get up. I don't want to go. No one can make me go.

"Bella, come on. You're late already."

Of course, I keep forgetting that my father _can._

I still don't get up from the bed. Charlie knocks twice on my door and I tell him I'm naked when he threatens to pull me out of bed himself. That does it. He leaves immediately after that.

When it's finally 9 AM and I'm ready to finally get up, I wince from the contact my eyes make with the light coming from the outside.

It's sunny. It's completely pathetic.

It should be raining.

**-/-**

When I arrive at school, I scoff and roll my eyes. I'm the only one at the parking lot at the time, so I stare at the big, white sheet that is hanging from the rusty, blue gate. It's so ridiculous that I want to cry.

In big, red letters is written 'WELCOME BACK, EDWARD CULLEN!' and I feel sick. I look and look and look. I stare at it a little bit more, until I realize that I've spent one hour looking. People start coming out of classes – a few people, at least - to have a smoke or to just catch some fresh air.

Some people I know, some I don't, but today is not about them. It's about _him._ I've been dreaming about our encounter for a year – ever since he left – and I don't know how it'll turn out to be. Is he going to seat beside me in Biology? Is he going to greet me or maybe say that I look pretty? Is he going to ignore me?

I feel like I'm in those bad Disney movies and I can't stop myself from being nervous.

"Bella."

I hear it loud and clear and it's behind me. I'm terrified and giddy, at the same time. You should hate him. _You should despise him_, my mind chants.

But I can't.

I turn around and look at the green eyes I missed so much.

He's older. He's even more beautiful than he was. He's muscular and taller. He's also sporting a scruff, which is too sexy for his own good. He looks too damn perfect. His expression is soft yet hard, at the same time.

I seriously don't know what he wants from me.

He left. He left me here. All alone. He left me to chase his stupid dream. Instead of slapping him, I turn around and enter the school, containing tears and trying to forget his hurt expression when I didn't acknowledged his greeting.

**-/-**

"He's staring at you."

"I don't fucking care," I spit, closing my eyes and picking on my food. I hate peas. Why the hell do they put peas in our food? Why do peas exist at all?

"Have you talked to him?" Lauren asks, as if she cares.

After the big drama with Tyler last year, we decided to tell her that she was too self-centered. Of course, she denied everything and said everyone was out to get her, so that confirmed our theory. She keeps doing these things; she pretends she wants to know, but she really doesn't.

"This morning. I ignored him."

"Why would you do that?" Alice asks, appalled. Jasper shakes his head quietly at her side and doesn't say anything.

I throw the silverware into the plate. "You know what? I lost my appetite. And I'm not explaining this to you _again_, Alice."

She pouts and crosses her arms. I roll my eyes at her childish attitude and get out of the cafeteria. I know everyone must think I'm crazy now.

I don't care.

**-/-**

The rest of the day happens in the same way. Everyone shoots me curious glances – even people I've never even spoken to – and stutter when I approach. I pretend that nothing is happening. It's better if I do that.

Edward tries to talk to me again in Biology, and his face is priceless. _Now _he decides to be ashamed. Wow, I don't even have words.

I'm also being a bitch to everyone, including Charlie. When he finally puts down his newspaper and tells me he knows that Edward's back, I cry like a maniac. Charlie stares at me wide-eyed as if I he doesn't know what to do, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't.

By the end of the day, I just want it to end.

Everything.


	2. Try, try, try

**So, yeah... this is the second chapter of Ten Years Gone. I was really surprised by the response of the first chapter! Let's hope I don't screw up or make you lose the interest in this story. Once again, a big thanks to Mental and Alexia. Their profile links are in my profile (favorite authors thingy), so there you can check out they are the only ones there, so you won't mistaken them. **

**UPDATE: This is kind of important, so I would like if you could read it. It's crucial to understand the story, and I'm sorry for not saying this before. 'Ten Years Gone' is one of my favorite songs, by Led Zeppelin, but it doesn't represent the time Edward was away from Bella and Forks. Even though it was only one year - yes, only one year - to Bella, it was something else entirely. That was why I compared it to ten years. The pain she has been through is so strong and so much that she can't accept Edward just like that. I hope this explains things. If it doesn't, be sure to mention this in a PM or in a review.**

**This was pointed out to me by tinaababy, who mentioned she was a little bit confused by the time line. Thank you for pointing this out and for showing so much interest.  
**

**Anyway, here's the chapter. Reviews or any other kind of feedback is appreciated.**

**-/CHAPTER 2 - TRY, TRY, TRY /-  
**

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For being so immature about this."

"It's okay, Alice. I get it."

She shakes her head. "I don't think you do."

I stop writing and look at her blankly, waiting for something more. She doesn't want to elaborate.

"I told you. It's okay."

-/-

"Have you worked things out with Leah?"

"Nah," he replies. "She's being too damn difficult."

She has every right to be difficult. "Yeah, I would be, too."

"Uh?" Jake asks dumbly.

"You broke up with her and the next minute you started making out with me. I wouldn't take you seriously either."

He looks truly offended by what I said. I sigh and try again. "I'm sorry, but you have to stop fooling around. Just apologize and say she's the only one. It always works."

Jacob says that I know what I'm talking about and I snort again. It's a habit that I have become used to.

"How are things with Cullen? Are you two back together yet?" There is an edge to his voice, but I decide not to care. If Jacob has anything to say to me, he'll say it.

"Why does everyone think it's that simple? He only tried talking to me once, so I don't think he's that interested."

He looks at me and I gaze at the road. I don't like people staring at me.

"So you wanted him to talk to you?"

"Well, yeah. It's common decency, after what he did."

He shakes his head.

"What?"

"I don't get you, really."

I shrug. "Neither do I."

**-/-**

"I gotta go. I have Biology now."

"Good luck," Lauren mumbles, picking on her food. I'll have to ask her later what all that is about.

When I'm getting out of the cafeteria, I watch Edward talk to some girls. When they all see me approach, they stop talking and Edward mumbles, "See you later". I drop my head and start walking faster, trying to get away from him.

"Bella!"

I feel him grabbing my arm and I turn around and face him. "Can I help you?"

He has that _hurt_ expression on, and I feel myself slipping a little; I actually start feeling sorry for him and I _hate _that.

"I just want to talk," he murmurs, looking away.

I shake my head sadly and look at the ground. "I don't have anything to say to you."

"Well, I do."

"It doesn't matter," I say, a little louder than before.

He clears his throat and his expression hardens. His green eyes watch me, and I feel naked under his stare. "One of these days, Bella, you will talk to me."

I don't know what he means, but I don't ask. We both know we'll end up talking and making the same mistakes.

"Maybe."

I leave him standing where he is, and walk in a daze towards the Science Building.

**-/-**

I hear the doorbell ring and walk downstairs. I find Alice standing in my doorway with a frown on her face and I immediately panic.

"What's wrong? Were we supposed to hang out?

Alice shakes her head. "No, I just needed to talk to you."

"Okay. Do you want to come in?" I offer.

She shakes her head. "Can we just go for a walk?"

"Sure."

I lock the door behind me and follow Alice. We walk towards the town's diner for a few minutes in complete silence and I try to enjoy it. When I look at Alice, she seems to be fighting with something in her head. I wonder if she fought with Jasper…

We finally arrive at the diner and walk in. The smell of fried food makes my stomach churn, but I don't say anything. I'm not going to make this about me when she's obviously upset.

We find a booth and sit down, both of us staring at the other. I look around and see the usual old men having pancakes and beer, talking loudly and flirting with Mrs. Clearwater. She is too sweet, so of course she doesn't notice when they're checking out her ass or boobs.

Men are disgusting.

"Jasper and I had a fight," Alice suddenly speaks.

"About what?"

She hesitates, before adding, "He says he's not sure he wants to go to college."

"Oh, that must suck. He wants to stay in Forks?"

She shrugs. "He says he'll follow me anywhere I'll go, which I think is sweet, but I'm not sure what I think about him not going to college. I mean – who doesn't want that?"

"Jasper, obviously."

"I don't know…"

I take a deep breath and look at her. "You should try to understand that not everyone has the same goals in life, Alice."

"I know that," she replies angrily.

"Good, because Jasper might feel like college isn't the right thing for him, and you have to accept it."

She huffs and looks away. Sue Clearwater picks that moment to ask what we want.

"A coke."

"I want a glass of water, please," Alice orders.

We stay in silence and look everywhere but at the other. I know it's hard for Alice to understand certain things, because she's naïve and believes in things no one else does. But doesn't mean she doesn't have to accept people like they are.

Jasper doesn't want to go to college – good for him. Maybe he can start a business or join a company. Hell, he can do whatever he wants, he's smart. I don't think Alice sees that.

"I'm just afraid he'll regret it."

"How?"

"I don't know," she mumbles. "What if he doesn't find a job?"

"Then he'll find another way," I suggest. "Look, it's still too early to be thinking about this stuff. We just started our senior year. Give him time to figure out what he wants."

She takes a deep breath and looks at her hands. "I'll do that, thanks."

Knowing Alice like I do, I know she won't get over it like she says she will.

Sue comes back later with our drinks and sets them down on the table, earning a smile from Alice and I.

**-/-**

Charlie is fishing with his buddies today and when I'm getting ready to spend the whole day reading and eating crappy food, I see the post-it he attached to the fridge.

"Fuck my life," I groan, already picking up the keys and heading to the Thriftway.

The road is slippery today, so I drive very carefully. Some people start looking at me like I'm crazy, and I smile a little. When I reach the Thriftway, I curse my father for not being able to grocery shop alone. There are too many people wandering around, and I'm happy several of them are old. I got up early today and I don't have the stomach to face any classmates.

I get out of my truck and check again the post-it to see what things I have to buy. Charlie only asked for beer, sugar, salt, bread and butter. What kind of meals can I do with these ingredients? So I decide to add a few extras to the list. Even if I spend the whole money, I know he'll thank me later.

When I'm entering through the automatic doors, I see Ms. Cope with her grocery bags and a guy whom I assume is her son. He looks just like her, though he's cute. He has blue eyes, blonde hair and he's tall and lean. I'm pretty sure he's out of high school, though. He seems too old to be in there.

She smiles meekly at me and I nod back, sensing her son's eyes watching me. I thought he was cute from a certain distance, but now I see he's kind of creepy. His eyes are huge, they are unfocused and he almost doesn't blink. It's creepy.

She whispers something to him and he finally looks away. I continue my way to the store and almost freeze when I recognize long, bronze hair that actually doesn't belong to Edward Cullen. I see _her_ smiling at Emmett – who's even bigger than he was last year, as if that's possible – adoringly and adding things to her cart. I stand in the same place for a few seconds, before realizing I'm staring at her and people are looking weirdly at me.

"Bella!"

It's too late now.

I plaster a fake smile on my face and pretend to be surprised by her presence. "Esme," I greet, and then add, for extra credit, "Emmett! I didn't know you were in town."

Emmett's smile is genuine, but I know Esme's is a little bit forced. I wonder what Edward told her this time.

Emmett hugs me tightly and I smile sadly; the last time he hugged me like that was when I was crying because Edward wanted to go to Seattle.

"How's Rose?" I ask.

I notice Esme is pretending to be interested on the list in her hand, but she isn't managing very well. She's trying to hear our conversation, which is obvious. I just don't know why.

Emmett grins widely and says, "She's great. She's spending these few last days with her parents in Tacoma."

"When are you two getting back to college?" I ask politely.

He frowns a little. "In October. Our classes only start until then."

"That's great, I guess. Tell her to give me a call when she's in town," I say and then, a second later, I immediately regret it. I haven't talked to Rosalie in too damn long.

"I will, Bells."

I look at Esme and she's looking at her list again, so I decide to get out of the conversation.

"Well, it was nice seeing you here," I add, forcing another smile. This time Esme looks up and gives me the same smile. This is getting weird.

"You too, Bella," she says back, frowning and analyzing her list again.

"Well, I'll have to go look for some things for Charlie. Bye."

When I'm about to turn around, Esme decides to pitch in. "Maybe you should come have dinner with us tonight. Edward is going to be out with Jasper."

I look at her in bewilderment and nod. "Yeah, okay."

This time the smile she gives me is a little bit more genuine. "Alright, then. Have a good day, Bella."

As I wander around the grocery store, I realize I'm not freaking out about going to dinner with Edward's parents. This is a good thing. However, I would be happier if I could get the stupid feeling that something bad is going to happen out of my head.

**-/-**

I dressed up twice. And now I'm sitting on my bed just with my bra and panties on, looking at my open wardrobe and waiting for some miracle to happen. What to dress when you go have dinner with your ex-boyfriend's parents and his whole family, but not your ex-boyfriend?

I have no idea. And, worst of all, I have no cute clothes.

Sure, I dress fairly well – since my mother is responsible for sending me clothes every month from her store – but I don't own anything fancy or even remotely pretty. My mother knows my style and she sticks to it. And my style doesn't work for this special occasion.

I finally decide to go for a cute skirt – not too long, not too short – and for a simple white shirt. It's still too hot, even though at night it's starting to get cold.

It figures. It's September.

I decide to put on my Converse and bring a warm jacket, since I don't know how the temperature outside is. I put my hair in a French twist curl with a few strands escaping. I almost look good now.

When I'm halfway through the stairs, I hear the front door open.

Charlie's home. Finally.

He looks up at me and his eyes are a little glassy. I know that he drinks a lot when he's fishing – especially because he's with Billy, and, let's face it, the guy breathes alcohol – but I've never seen him this agitated.

"Edward's mother invited me to go have dinner with them. I'll be back early."

"Okay," Charlie mumbles, nodding four or five times straight.

I pass by him and smell the alcohol. Jesus Christ, what did he drink?

It seems to be rum and scotch. I mentally thank Renee for being a flighty mother and for teaching me these things.

Why the hell is he drinking like this?

I don't have time to ponder this. I have to go to the Cullens.

And so I do.


	3. Don't You Forget About Me

**A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews, support, and for adding this story to your favorites/alerts list! Also, thanks to my beta Alexia, who is simply the best.**

**Again, I'm sorry if there's been any confusion over the time that Edward has been away. The tittle suggests it has been ten years, but it has been only one year and a few months. **

**I should warn you - this chapter doesn't involve much Edward and Bella interaction, but it says a lot about Edward's past and the other characters. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. SM does. **

**-/ CHAPTER 3 - (DON'T YOU) FORGET ABOUT ME /-**

When I pull up in front of the big mansion where the Cullens live, I feel a sense of nostalgia. I used to spend every single day in this house, whether I was with Edward or not.

I notice the lights on the porch are on, but the house seems eerily quiet. That's something unusual for this family. I also notice there's not even one car in sight and I sigh, wondering what Esme is up to.

I get out of the car, anyway, and ring on the doorbell. The sound echoes creepily through the house like those bad Halloween movies, and I shiver in anticipation. When the door opens a second later, though, I sigh in relief. Esme appears in front of me with her cupcake apron on, eyes wide and unfocused, and her perfect mouth forming a little 'o'. Wasn't she expecting me to show up?

"Is this a bad time? I can go home, if you want."

"Don't be silly, dear," Esme scolds, laughing nervously. "Come on in. Rosalie is waiting for you in the kitchen."

Oh, great. Rosalie's here, too.

I follow her inside and notice that, even though the house isn't so full of joy and laughter anymore, the decoration is still the same as when they left. It was just one year ago. Though knowing that Esme always wanted to redecorate her house every other month, I would have expected the place to be completely different by now. Not to mention, with boxes lying around.

But it isn't. It looks exactly like when _they _left.

When they left, I stopped visiting the house, because there were too many memories here. Sometimes, Alice begged me to make her and her father a visit, but I just wasn't able to do it. So what am I doing here now? What the hell changed? Why am I feeling like nothing has changed?

When we enter the kitchen, I smell cinnamon and sugar. My mood immediately picks up, knowing I'll be able to eat some of Esme's delicious cookies. I envy her, sometimes. Not only is she beautiful, polite, the best mother in the world and the best housewife, she's also the best cook I know.

I notice a few patches on the counter next to the fridge, and I eye them before noticing Rosalie watching me silently from across the kitchen. She's sitting by the wooden table by the window and I see her smiling at me politely.

"Hi, Rose," I greet her, trying not to show any nervousness.

"Bella." It's polite, cold and impersonal. Not at all like her.

"Have you seen Alice?"

"She's out with Carlisle and Emmett."

She turns away and stares out of the window, while I stand by the glass door and do nothing but stare at Esme. She is taking out of the oven a pie, and I stand awkwardly at the side, not knowing if I should make small talk with Rosalie or be hypocrite with Esme. When Esme starts humming and resuming her cooking activities, I decide it's for the best if I talk with Rosalie.

I approach her silently, staring out of the window along with her. I'm pretty sure we're not seeing the same thing, though.

"I ran into Emmett today. He told me you were in Tacoma."

"He lied," she tells me flatly, her expression not changing.

I sigh exasperatedly and sit down next to her. "What's wrong?"

Her posture doesn't waver in the slightest. "What makes you think something's wrong? Nothing's wrong."

She slowly turns her head around and peers at Esme. She then looks at me and sighs, turning her head around again to the window. I know there's something she's not telling me, but she wouldn't tell me with Esme standing in the same room. God knows she likes the woman as much as I do.

I put a hand in her shoulder, and she freezes a little, dropping her head to the ground.

"I'm going to call you after this dinner," I whisper. "I'm sorry I wasn't in touch."

"Yeah, well," is her only response.

When I try to say something else, we hear the doorbell ring and we look at Esme, who is too busy humming and checking the oven. I look at Rosalie and she shrugs, turning away once again.

"I guess I should open the door then."

I knew it was a bad idea coming here – the distinct feeling that something bad was going to happen kept appearing through the evening – yet I came anyway. What is wrong with me? Hasn't this family done enough already? Deep down, I know I should be furious with Esme for this set up – because, clearly, this was a set up – but I can't bring myself to hate her anymore. I've done that for too long in the past and I regret it, since she was only thinking about her son's interests when she took him away from me.

When I finally open the door, I just stare.

"Who are you?" I blurt out, looking at her from head to toe.

She smiles genuinely at me, and I see how perfect and white her teeth are. "I'm Kate," she says, as if I should know who she is.

Wait. Should I?

"I'm sorry, you got the wrong house." I smile a little at her, and I'm practically closing the door on her face when Esme appears from the kitchen with her apron in her hand and a fake grin on her face.

"Kate, I'm so glad you could make it!" Esme exclaims over excitedly, bringing her to a hug.

"It's nice to see you again, Esme," the blonde girl says, smiling widely at her.

I stand next to them, left hand still holding the door and with an awkward smile on my face. "Esme, who is this?" I ask, carefully.

Esme suddenly brightens up and smiles at Kate reassuringly. "This is Kate. You know, from Seattle."

"Oh," I say lamely. I never heard of her in my entire life. I'm figuring it must be the daughter of Esme's new best friend, some pre-menopausal, rich snob who likes to throw around her money. Yeah, I've met Libby once – Esme's former best friend.

"Come on, dear." Esme grabs her hand and leads her to the kitchen. "I have to show you my new recipe. Your parents are going to love it."

"That sounds fantastic, Esme," she says.

-/-

"I've never heard of her before," I tell Rose, gesturing at the blonde model carrying the knives.

Rosalie actually turns around to face me. "You're kidding me, right?"

"No," I say. "Should I know who the hell she is? I mean, she's from Seattle. The only one I know there is Seth. And she's perfect –I mean, look at her boobs. They are just _there_, you know? And when you look at her body, you can see there's no fat in there, so I'm saying she must be vegetarian or some kind of weird shit. She's loaded, too, you can jus–"

"She's the freaking Russian, Bella. She's Edward's ex-girlfriend."

"What?" I shriek, gaining the attention from both divas in the center of the kitchen. They look away immediately. "Rose! Why didn't you tell me she was coming? Of course she's Edward's ex-girlfriend. She's so fucking perfect," I spit, earning an eye-roll from Rosalie.

She grabs me by the arm and drags me outside the house. She sits on the greenish swing hanging on the porch and I sit next to her silently, fuming inside.

_He doesn't belong to you anymore._

_I know._

Rosalie suddenly snaps her head in my direction, even though we're so close to each other. "Look, Bella," she announces, her voice feral and her eyes violent. "Just fucking stop with her being perfect and you not being pretty enough – this is not about that, okay? This is Esme being the same manipulative bitch she has always been."

I stare at her, dumbfounded. "What did you just say? Did you just call Momma Cullen a bitch?"

I burst out laughing, my laughter echoing in the deserted street. I look at Rosalie and I see her lips twitching; she's trying not to smile, I just know it.

She sighs and shakes her head, the half-smile disappearing. "I've been trying to put up with this for too long, Bella. I don't know if I have the strength anymore."

She's staring blankly ahead of her, and I know that something happened during the last year. I grab her hand and squeeze it, silently urging her to go on.

She doesn't.

Instead, tears fall from her blue eyes, but she keeps staring at the road, her eyes wide and desperate, and her lips trembling.

"Rose, come on," I whisper, putting an arm around her shoulder. "Tell me what's wrong."

She shakes her head and closes her eyes tightly. "I thought I could do this. I thought it was the only way and now… I can't even face her. Or Emmett…" she trails off, her eyes now open and brimming with unshed tears. "We fight every day. I can't take it anymore, Bella."

"Please tell me what's going on, Rosalie. You're scaring me!" I beg her, not understanding what she's talking about.

She takes a few deep breaths and looks at me, smiling sadly. "I have to take care of a few things first. But as soon as I do that, I will call you. I promise."

"You better do that," I say, smiling down at her.

-/-

"Now," she says after a while, finally standing up. "Let's just face Momma Bitch and tell her we'll be going home."

"Won't that be rude?"

She gives me a pointed look. Oh, right.

I nod and we head for the kitchen, all the while making plans for the next Christmas Holidays. I know it's still a long time until Christmas, but I want to make sure that despite everything that's happening right now and that will happen, that she'll still be my friend. I'm not stupid. I know something very serious happened with Rosalie, and probably Emmett too, and that something even worse is going to happen next. As selfish as it sounds, I don't want to be around to notice it. I know Emmett will choose his mother over Rosalie any day, any time. It's just who he is.

When we enter the kitchen, I can hear Esme quietly speaking to Kate.

"You know, we should get together some time with your parents. When was the last time they were with Edward?"

After Rosalie's meltdown on the porch, I barely remembered this situation in the kitchen. But now I do, and I'm mad at Esme from trying to rub something like this on my face. As if I'm so stupid that I won't realize what she's doing.

Rosalie clears her throat very loudly and rudely, and I grin insanely at her courage. This is why I love her so much.

"Esme, we're taking off," Rosalie announces, picking up her black leather jacket folded neatly on the chair.

"Already?" Esme fakes astonishment.

"Yeah, thanks for inviting us, though."

"No problem, dear," Esme says, with a hint of suspiciousness in her tone.

"Let's go then," I finally say, a little more fiercely than I want to.

"Well, be sure to stop by soon, Rosalie. Emmett barely saw you today," she remarks suggestively, arching an eyebrow.

Rosalie's nostrils flare. She's about to say something when I pull her by the hand and lead her towards the front door. We don't need to stay here anymore.

"Little does she know –maybe I'll never talk to Emmett again, after tonight."

**A/N: Ouch, I know. Esme's a bitch. **


	4. Wonderwall

**This chapter was hard as hell to write. It probably sucks, but oh well.**

**Thank you for the reviews and for the alerts. I wish I could reply to them all! Many thanks to Alexia, my super-beta. She corrected lots of mistakes in this chapter.  
**

**Again, I don't own Twilight or these characters.**

**-/ CHAPTER 4 - WONDERWALL /-**

The next day, when I arrive at school, Alice asks me to sleep at her house tonight. It's a weird as hell request, but I agree.

"I need to talk to you about Jasper. He's driving me crazy these days," she comments, shaking her head.

I close the door of my truck. "Well, you didn't need to invite me over. Besides, yesterday was kind of a rough day. I can't stand your mother now," I admit to her, wondering if maybe I'm stepping on a line.

"Oh, yeah. We all saw the Kate charade." She pauses, stopping and looking at me. "Don't worry, though. Edward was pissed off and set my mom straight," she adds.

I nod absentmindedly and watch as the rest of the Cullens pull up in the park lot. Edward is the last one to get out of the car, and he has a frown on his face. I look away before he can catch me staring at him – I don't want him to know that I do that. Instead, I look at Jasper, who is smiling tightly at Alice. She doesn't realize he's upset though – or, if she does, she pretends she doesn't – and they both leave me and Edward alone, staring at the ground awkwardly.

"So… yeah, good morning," I finally say, walking away and not giving him any time to say anything.

"Wait, Bella!"

I stop and take a deep breath, waiting for him to say something or even appear at my side. He does and starts walking along with me, like we're friends.

"I'm sorry about Kate," he apologizes, studying me carefully.

I shrug like I don't care and I can see that this affects him, but he tries not to show it. "I had no idea she was going to be in town."

"It' okay," I say simply.

"Aren't you even a little upset?"

I laugh, looking at a few girls that are ogling him. "Of course I am. Is that what you want to hear? I didn't have to have Barbie Girl thrown in my face, but there she was! Your mother-" I stop before I can call her a bitch or insult her even more. Even if she is a bitch, Esme is still his mother. "I have Biology now."

"I know. Let me walk with you."

I gape at him. "I can't do this," I motion between us, "with you."

He sighs deeply and tugs at his hair, looking away. "Fine. Don't, then," he says, still not looking at me. "If you want to be difficult like this, go ahead. I'm done."

And he walks away like he has the right to do it. He doesn't – not this time and not one year ago.

-/-

Biology is a complete disaster. Not only do I have to seat beside Lauren and her cheap perfume, I have to deal with Mike Newton turning around every five minutes and glancing at me. It's disgusting.

When I enter the class, I don't even look at Edward. It seems like he has given up on me entirely, and I don't want to let that absorb yet. That was what I wanted, right? I keep repeating that to myself until the class is over. When it's time for the English class, I run out of excuses.

"Bella, are you coming to class?" Angela, a very sweet and shy girl from my class asks, obviously concerned with me.

"Can you tell Mrs. Houghton that I'm going home? I'm not feeling so good," I tell her, hoping my sad eyes and paleness will help me get through this.

"Sure, sure," she reassures me, alarmed. "Get better," she says softly, walking in the classroom and closing the door behind her.

"I'll try," I whisper.

-/-

I don't go home, because it's the first place Alice will go to look for me. I don't want to go to her house and look Esme in the eyes. She makes me sick – everything she has ever done to me until today makes me sick. I can't breathe when she's around.

So I go to the meadow.

When I was once young and naïve, I didn't know this place. I was just that – young and naïve and too afraid to do something out of the ordinary, something that didn't involve my comfort zone. That was when Edward came in and showed me The Meadow. It was his place – our place – after we first kissed here (and among other things). It represented everything that was good in my life. It calmed me when I walked through the bushes or even heard the river splashing down on the rocks.

It also became my sanctuary for the past year.

I was masochist – still am – and refused to give up on coming here. It brought wonderful memories, of a time when I was happy and naïve and thought he loved me.

Why do I come here now?

I don't know the answer to that question. Maybe I want to be that person again, or maybe I just want to find out what went wrong – or what I did to make it wrong.

I'm startled by some branches breaking and the sound of footsteps. I groan and stand up, ready to face whoever is trying to ruin my afternoon.

I freeze when I see Edward looking at me, his nostrils flaring and his green eyes burning. I don't recognize that look and my immediate thought is, "he looks so hot like that", but I mentally chastised my brain for thinking about that.

"What are you doing here?"

I should be the one asking that, not him.

"Nothing," I reply lamely, rolling my eyes at myself. I sit down and look at the pond a few feet away, absorbing the freshness and the amazing sensation of it all.

"It doesn't look like nothing," he says, just to piss me off. He sits down next to me and looks at the pond, too.

"I thought you were done, Edward."

He flinches, and I smile a little. The fact that I'm so brazen and say whatever I have to say affects Edward too much. He didn't know this side of me when he went to Seattle.

"I am," he replies. "I'm going to give you space, instead. And when you want to talk to me – when you're ready to talk to me – I'll be there."

I chuckle bitterly. "That's funny. I remember a time when you said you would always be there, and look how that turned out."

"You know," he declares, after a few moments of silence. "I'm not going to apologize for going to Seattle."

I look at the ground and prop my chin in my hand. I'm just dying to hear this.

"Then why are you doing all this? If you're not sorry, don't bother." I shrug.

"Because it was one of the best things that ever happened to me – after you, of course."

I look at him in surprise. "It still amazes me the things you say to make up for your mistakes," I whisper, looking at the ground. "You treated me like shit when I couldn't understand why you had to leave Forks and now you're saying that I was one of the best things that happened to you. Are you for real?"

"Bella." He faces me. "You knew that basketball was my dream and you stepped on it, making me choose between you and basketball! How was I supposed to treat you after that?"

"How about with a little respect?" I say, a little louder than necessary. "You don't imagine how hard it was for me. All you thought about was yourself and your stupid dream. And now you're only talking with me because you have no other option! If you had, you wouldn't be here."

I'm breathing heavily and not sure of what I'm doing, but I know that this conversation will hurt and leave a huge scar on my heart. But it needs to be done. I'm tired of running away from him and from my feelings.

"I could have stayed in Seattle," he declares, looking at the ground and picking up a flower.

"Then why didn't you?" My voice is so weak that I think I'm going to cry.

"Because none of it made sense without you. I missed you too much, Bella," he whispers the last part, throwing the flower at the ground and looking at me with those shiny, green eyes.

"Don't do this, please."

"Why? Why can't you accept that I made a mistake and that I want – no, that I need you back?"

"You don't understand," I say dryly, looking at him.

"Try me," he almost begs, not missing a beat.

"I hate the person I am with you. I become this pathetic and needy girl who wants someone who doesn't love her back," I say bitterly, looking at the ground.

He starts laughing, his voice echoing in the small meadow. "I can't believe you just said that."

"I can't believe you're laughing at my face."

"I'm not. I'm laughing at the absurdity of what you just said, Bella," he says with a smile, his eyes very much alive.

"Why is that so absurd?" My hurt is beating wildly and I have no idea why.

"You see… I came back for you. I'm in love with you," he murmurs, slightly more serious than before.

I have tears in my eyes and grit my teeth to stop them spilling over. I've waited so long to hear those words and now, in the middle of a tense conversation, is when he's telling me this. Deep down, I know it's just an escape. He doesn't have any more arguments in his favor, so he uses these words. The words he refused to tell me when we were together.

I stand up and wipe my cheeks. "Don't you dare doing this to me, Edward! I'm not your toy anymore and you can't play with my feelings."

He stands up too and he frowns, grabbing me by the waist and pulling me to him. I want to run away and slap him and tell him to just leave me alone. Instead, I melt against him, too needy for his touch, his smell and the way he used to hold me.

I am sobbing like a maniac and clutching his shirt, my tears ruining it.

"I hate that you still can do this to me."

"I hate myself too," he whispers against my hair, putting and arm around my waist and rocking us back and forth.

"You're going to hurt me again, aren't you?" I ask, already knowing the answer.

"I don't deserve you. So, yeah, I'm probably going to hurt you again." He pauses and looks at me carefully. "What does this mean?"

I have no idea what to say.

"I don't know."

-/-

Once I put myself back together, I step back and beg him to take me home. It's been an exhausting day, and I know it's not over yet.

He drops me off at my house and I stare silently at the road, wondering when Charlie will come home and thinking about mundane things I still have to do to keep my mind occupied.

"Alice texted me. She wanted me to tell you that she's picking you up in an hour."

"Okay," I reply, looking out of the window. I notice my reflection on it and see the red, puffy eyes and the blank expression. It's like seeing myself two years ago.

"I don't know what to fucking say," he mumbles, turning on the radio and switching stations.

His mood swings still leave me confused. First, he's all romantic and sweet and the Edward I knew, but then he becomes this violent, angry person I can't recognize.

"Don't say anything, then."

"I have to. I can't lose you again." And… he's back.

I let out an agonized sound and drop my head between my knees dramatically. "I think we've talked enough for today, don't you think?"

I sigh and lift my head. "I'll see you later, Edward."

He studies me again before nodding, his expression cautious and his green eyes unfocused.

I quickly get out of his Volvo and get inside my house, desperate for some normalcy and comfort. When I pick up a book from the main shelf and start reading, I lose my patience. I can't concentrate at all. All I can think about is his words, him holding me the whole afternoon and the fact that he loves me.

"_But where do we go from here?" _is the only question floating in my head through the whole afternoon.

**Thank you for reading**!


	5. How Soon Is Now?

**Many thanks, again, to Alexia, Lisa and Jenn, who beta'd this chapter. They are incredible and make me a better writer and, for that, I am really thankful. **

**I'm sorry for not being able to update this story sooner - real life's a bitch - though I'm not sure if there are many people still following this story. Oh well.**

**-/HOW SOON IS NOW?/-  
**

Two hours later, Alice hasn't shown up yet. I start to get worried and decide to call her, but she beats me to it.

"Hey, Bella," she says, her voice distant. "I won't be able to pick you up tonight. Some stuff happened." Alice says the last part with an ugly tone.

"Are you alright?" I ask cautiously.

"I will be. Thanks."

"Sure."

_Click. _

**-/-**

The next day, when I'm already outside and about to lock the door, Charlie appears in front of me with two cups of coffee. I eye them suspiciously.

"Bells," he mumbles, clearing his throat. "I thought you were already at school."

"I'm going now," I say, crossing my arms in front of my chest and narrowing my eyes at him. "Are you expecting someone?"

"No, of course not," he hedges, looking away.

"So that coffee is for me?" I ask, trying not to laugh.

He opens his mouth and closes it. "No. It's for me."

I laugh. "Oh, okay then."

He clears his throat again and changes from his flustered demeanor to his fatherly one. "You should go to school now."

I grin a little and start walking. "Yeah, yeah. Have fun though!"

He mutters something like "Smartass," under his breath, and I laugh out loud, feeling a lot happier than usual.

-/-

"I totally think Charlie is dating someone," I tell Angela, sitting on the chair beside her. I put the tray in front of me and try to come up with a definition for the food on my plate. I can't say what it is.

"Oh?" She smiles a little, but the smile doesn't reach her eyes.

"What's up, Ang?"

She looks up and stares at the table full of guys in front of us – at the jocks, to be exact – and there are a few of them I already know, like Ben Cheney, Jack Hoffman, Eric Chang and Mike Newton. The ones I _really_ know are Ben and Mike, but I usually don't talk or think about Mike because he's one of those guys that you try to stay away from. You know… the ones that you date once and that try to hump you in their car, and when you say that it's enough, they don't stop.

So yeah, I definitely don't like the guy.

"Is something wrong?" I ask, noticing the weird way Angela is looking at the table.

"No, why?" She quickly answers and looks away.

"Because," I start, picking up a very white chip from my plate. "You have been staring at that table over there dreamily for the past five minutes."

"It was not that long!" she answers with a gasp.

I smirk, filling my glass with water. "So you admit to have been staring."

"That's… that's not the point," she protests, looking at her plate.

"We don't know each other that well, but yesterday you did me a favor, and I think I should reciprocate."

"How?"

"By listening to you. Now, spill," I demand, dragging the food tray away and laying my chin in my arms.

She turns to me and blushes. "I don't really know how to start."

"How about from the beginning?" I grin.

"Why aren't you having lunch with Alice?" she asks, seeming more serious and a little bit uncomfortable.

"That's not the point, though I haven't seen Alice today. That's odd," I murmur, picking up my glass and taking a sip. "Anyway, you were saying…"

"Do you know Ben?" she asks, biting her lip.

"Ben Cheney, yeah," I answer, automatically looking at him. "Cute guy." I wink at her just for measure, and she blushes scarlet.

"Well, one day he showed up at the library, and I still volunteered there, so we just ran into each other and started talking…" she trails off, looking at her tray again. "One day we kissed, and when I told him how I really felt, he became distant and stopped talking to me. I guess that's pretty much it," she finishes, smiling sadly.

"Ouch, what an ass," I comment, looking at him.

"Bella!" Angela exclaims, redder than she was previously. "Don't say that!"

"Come on," I say, looking at her. "What kind of guy does that? You are so sweet, Ang. You don't deserve someone like that."

She looks up and grimaces. "He's just who I want, you know? You don't get to choose these things."

"Trust me, I know," I whisper.

There's a heavy silence between us, and we don't say anything for a while. We look over at the jocks' table again while we process what was said a few minutes ago, watching them interacting with the cheerleaders. Some of them are even throwing their tongues down their girlfriends' throats.'

"What should I do, Bella?" Angela's voice is so small that I feel like hugging her.

"I'm not the best person to give you advice on this."

"No, really. What would you do if you were in the same situation?" she asks, clearly desperate.

"I would try to figure out what went wrong."

**-/-**

I turn on my iPod and put my earbuds in, walking hastily to Biology. "Tonight, Tonight" by The Smashing Pumpkins starts playing, and I'm so lost in my own world that I don't realize I bump into someone.

"Sorry," I mumble, taking out one earbud.

"It's okay," the guy – who is actually Edward – says, grinning lightly.

I try to give him a little smile, but it comes off more like a grimace. I enter the biology classroom, where there are already a few students chatting among themselves.

"Are you okay?" I ask nervously, noticing him walking by my side.

"Why shouldn't I be?" He seems curious.

"Alice mentioned that something happened," I declare, looking at him.

His expression darkens slightly, but not too much. "I don't know what she could possibly be talking about, honestly."

"Oh," I whisper, sitting at my designated desk. Edward sits beside me and stays a little too close – I can feel his breath on my ear and I can smell his cologne. All this makes me go weak on the knees, and I'm so glad I'm sitting right now.

"Do you happen to know where she is? I haven't seen her all morning," I say shakily, my voice cracking.

"Uh, no," he says, frowning.

"Oh, okay then. I'm sure she must be around somewhere," I whisper, opening my backpack and taking out my biology notebook.

Every time I open it, I'm faced with the little patterns and drawings I used to do. They are weird, and I don't know what they mean, though I know I used to make them every time I got bored or missed Edward by my side. I smile wistfully.

"I was thinking we could do something this weekend," he starts, breaking whatever trance I was in. "There's this photography exhibit in Seattle that –"

"Edward?"

"Bella?"

"I don't want to be rude or… insensitive, but… I don't want to do those things with you. Not yet, anyway," I add quickly, not being able to look at him.

He starts drumming on the desk with his fingers quickly, scaring the hell out of me.

"S'okay. No problem," he says dryly, continuing the motion with his hands.

Mr. Molina finally enters the classroom and, as usual, everyone continues chatting and laughing loudly, not paying attention to our usual gray-haired, plump Biology teacher.

"Good afternoon, class." His voice is raspy, like he just woke up. I don't doubt that.

No one answers his greeting besides Jessica, who is the usual overachiever that no one pays attention to anymore.

"But why won't you?" Edward inquires, getting even closer to me.

I stare at him dumbly. "Huh?"

"Why don't you want to do those things?" he asks, seeming hurt.

"Oh my God, this isn't the place to discuss this," I whisper, turning the pages of my notebook furiously.

"I just want you to tell me," Edward whispers back, opening his notebook.

"Because it's too soon," I hiss, looking at him. "Can't you see that?"

He seems taken aback by what I have said, which shows me how little thought he gives to this situation. I shake my head and look down, scribbling more notes.

"I thought we were… better." I can swear that he was going to say "okay," but then changed his mind.

"We are better, but that doesn't mean I want to go on a date with you."

"Who said it was a date?" he asks, turning to face me.

I do the same thing and look at him incredulously, defying him to tell me in my face that he wasn't asking me out ten minutes ago.

"Okay, fine," he concedes. "It was a date, but now it's not anymore. I just want to spend time with you."

I turn to face the blackboard. "That's very thoughtful of you, but…"

"Alice and Jasper could come," he suggests quickly.

"Okay then," I agree with a quiet voice.

"Okay then," he repeats, grinning widely and almost making my heart stop.

**-/-**

When Spanish class ends, I pick up my things and head to the parking lot. Maybe I can get someone to give me a ride, since I'm not even sure if Alice is at school anyway.

When I see a mop of black hair, I yell, "Alice!"

She stops and turns around, looking down at me. When I get closer, I can see that she has been crying.

"Alice, what's wrong?" I hug her immediately, and she sobs in my shoulder. Jasper approaches us quietly, but gives us space, his eyes fixed on Alice.

"My mom, Bella…" Alice hiccups. "We think something might be wrong with her."

* * *

**Recs:**

**Clockwork by Derdriu OFaolain - Mysterious, brilliant and captivating!**

**Rubbish by belladonnacullen - Sweet, Perky and Adorable :)**

**Oh, and books... "Nineteen Minutes," by Jodi Picoult. It's brilliant, too. **

**Thank you for reading!  
**


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